Mental Health Monday is a weekly post from bloggers, authors and everyday people who wish to share their mental health stories and struggles. I also share reviews of books based around Mental Health, as well as my own personal experiences. Check out here for more information.
Guilt is quite the emotion for a human being to have. It lurks in the body and causes you to question every decision and action you’ve made in your life. It’s like a virus making it’s way through your body and mind, causing chaos within one’s self. Guilt is something I struggle with on a daily basis but not because I did something wrong. It’s because I did something right.
I found myself in a situation earlier this year that involved a lot of toxic situations and some toxic comments from people in my family. Their drama had managed to seep into my life and it felt like I was right in the middle of everything. It also made me question a lot of things from my childhood, which is never a good situation for someone with Borderline Personality Disorder.
This situation was just building and building. People from my family, who I’ve never met before, were coming out of the woodworks. I wanted to know them, I truly did. But I didn’t comprehend how difficult it would be for me on my mental health when they all decided to bring the drama with them. Drama that I was never involved in, but they felt the need to fill me in.
It got to the point where my emotions overtook me and I ended up bringing up some feelings with a loved one who didn’t really understand why I was angry. There were excuses and reasons that made no sense to me.
So I did what I knew I should do. I went to my therapist and begged her to help me out of the situation I had been brought into. There had to be someway to claw my way out of everything that was happening in my life.
Her advice was what any normal person would recommend – Remove yourself from the situation for a while to take care of your own mental health.
Simple right? Ha. That’s funny.
By withdrawing myself from the situation, I actually ended up causing more drama and strain between myself and a very important loved one in my life. I simply told her that I was removing myself from everything for a week to take care of my own mental health. I knew that I was at my limit when I lost it one night on the phone with her. This is the RIGHT thing to do.
Well, not according to her. She ended up throwing a fit and saying she was done talking to people anyways. That was over two months ago and we’ve barely spoken.
In the past few months, my guilt has been a bull and my body is a china shop where it flails itself freely. My body and mind have been ravished by my guilt. So much so that a few weeks ago I went to the hospital for both a mental break and suicidal thoughts. ( DO NOT PANIC. This is a very common thing for me because of my BPD. You just get used to it. But I do know when I should seek help. I have support.) I couldn’t take it anymore. I had pushed away someone I loved, another had removed me from their life. I felt like complete trash. Like the worst family in the world.
It’s taken me a while to learn and understand this one thing –
IT IS OKAY TO STEP AWAY AND TAKE TIME FOR YOUR MENTAL HEALTH. IT IS OKAY TO REMOVE YOURSELF FROM TOXIC PEOPLE AND SITUATIONS. DO NOT LET ANYONE TELL YOU OR MAKE YOU FEEL OTHERWISE. YOU ALWAYS COME FIRST. YOU ONLY HAVE ONE BODY AND ONE MIND.
Never feel like you did something wrong when you did something that could save your mind or life. I’ll never be able to understand why some people feel the need to make you feel bad for taking care of yourself. I’ll never understand why some people can’t understand the fact that my mental health comes before anyone else or anything in this world. I will always be selfish in keeping myself healthy and happy.
If someone in your life doesn’t understand that, then you don’t need that negativity there. Take care of the most important thing in your life.
This same person messaged me this past week and called me a failure. She said my disorder was phony and that I needed better medication. That I was taking my children away from her so I needed to seek help. I cut her off right then and there that day. I cried for several following the event because losing a loved one, especially a parent, is tough.
That guilt that I felt, is gone. A weight has been lifted. I’m on the road to being a better me without the toxic ways of others blinding me. I realized that I didn’t deserve the heart ache and pain I’ve been struggling with for so long. This entire incident has opened my eyes to so many things and now I know where I’m going.
If you’re in this situation, remember that you don’t need to take the damage people toss at you. You can and will make it through.
You got this.